Benjamin had some sweet qualities.
There came a moment where I realized that he reminded me of my ex-husband. My abusive, unstable, volatile, ex-husband. It was nothing obvious, or blatant, just a couple of comments that gave me pause. A few days later, in response to hearing that I had bought myself a new adult toy for Christmas, a real splurge for me and one that I was excited about, Benjamin said I’m sorry I don’t do it for you, and over the next few days he went from subtle sulking to passive aggressive comments, and that was that.
I don’t have the time or energy for this.
I’m too valuable. Too valuable and precious, to myself.
The last few months have solidified my poly viewpoint. Above all, I value connection that accepts me exactly as I am. Now. And that’s what I want to reciprocate. An unconditional acceptance of someone or someones for who they are at their core. I value kindness. I value self-awareness, and the ability and desire to communicate.
I value these things in friends, in lovers, in my relationships with my children. I want to find every ounce of love and connection that I can. I want honesty and authenticity. I want to love real people, because I am a real person, a real and imperfect person who is trying her best to live a good life.
And I want to surround myself with people like that. People who are trying their best.
That’s my poly.
I don’t know exactly what that will end up looking like. But I do know what it feels like.