I want.

I want, and that makes me feel ungrateful for what I have.

The end.

Last night Special Man Friend made two trips to the dump, purging about 1400 pounds of STUFF.  It’s amazing and a little unsettling how much stuff we accumulate over time. I have spent the past few weeks trying to give away everything I can, but I still have a bunch to send for donation.  This morning our friend Jeremy came with a big trailer and we did another giant haul.

I’m appalled at how many Things we discarded.  Things I couldn’t give away, like fully functioning televisions.  Older models, that nobody wants.  And they really aren’t that old!  It was a date night turned work date, and I’m grateful for SMF’s willingness to help.  I got snippy with him, he told me right away after a little return snark, that I had hurt his feelings, and I apologized.  I have such a hard time with apologies, but it’s on my radar as something to work on.

It’s twelve minutes to midnight.  This is day four of my ten day Just Write project.  I do not feel inspired.  I feel tired.  So I am going to bed now.  xoxo

Tonight was our monthly poly discussion group.

The word somatic came up several times, as we were talking about emotional reactions and somatic reactions when it comes to the things we feel, and how our bodies could exhibit those emotions.

I get a knot in the pit of my stomach when I am very emotional.  I ache.  Many times, the stomach ache comes first, before I even realize that there is a a feeling or emotion tied to it.  It was an appropriate topic.

I felt sick the entire discussion. Special Man and CC were there, and though Special Man and I feel tenuous right now, we are moving forward.  I think I’m grieving something having to do with CC.  She and I had words a couple of days ago, words that left me feeling a stunned realization that I will likely never have the kind of polyamory that I envision as ideal.  SMF will always be partnered with someone who keeps me at arms length.  That’s it.  The end of my poly dream, if it includes Special Man Friend whom I love dearly.

I am also at a point where I keep my guard up with her.  This is a long and intricate history that she and I have.  We have both made a lot of effort to be closer, to be at least comfortable.  And I am not comfortable.  I have to own my part of that.  I am uncomfortable.  She and I are a mismatch, on many levels, and I don’t believe she is comfortable around me either.

So really, it comes down to my poly vision of people who are comfortable and loving.  A little extended poly constellation, ideally living near one another, maybe on a cul-de-sac, perhaps just in the same neighborhood.  I imagine random family dinners, and kids in and out of each other’s houses.  I imagine community.  I imagine extended, chosen, family.

I honestly believe that CC tolerates me.  And if I’m honest, the best I can do is polite.

I hate saying this.  I hate that it will hurt SMF, and CC if she reads it.  But we all know that’s where we are.  And do I want it to change?  Do I live in my little bubble with SMF with my one on one time, and just give up once and for all on my big poly fantasy?

I don’t know.

This is the third day of Ginger getting her writing groove back, and it feels so, so good.

I’m a week away from flying to Georgia for the Atlanta Poly Weekend. I’m presenting one session this year, as opposed to two sessions last year, and this means more time for me to attend classes that I am interested in.  It’s not the best time for a trip right now, so that’s a little stressful, but I am working hard to get things packed and sorted and ready for the move, which is bringing it’s own extra stress, because I’m not exactly sure which day the new house is going to be ready.  The house is being remodeled, and to complicate matters further, my current landlady wants to start a remodel here…and we are still living here.  My little Type A personality is chomping at the bit.

I may be the last poly person to watch the Showtime series, Polyamory, Married and Dating.   It’s simultaneously not as bad as I thought it would be, and also horrible.  I’m cringing about every second to third minute, but I have to admit, that there are a few times I thought there were some worthwhile moments.  I think I’m going to keep watching.

Don’t tell anyone.

Day two of writing whatever the fuck I want to write.

Miss Seattle and I were talking one day about these nice people I had met.  A couple.  I joked that surely, they didn’t think I was a unicorn.  A few days later, I realized, that I was very much in unicorn territory.

And I liked it.

Miss Seattle and I also decided that there was no cute term for this couple, as in being the counterpart to a unicorn…and while they are certainly individuals, I do refer to them as a unit at times.  We brainstormed cute and mythical nicknames, names which would be worthy of a magical unicorn, such as myself.  (I am so not a unicorn.)

Eventually we came up with Narnias.  This refers to the elusive paired poly people who are interested in a unicorn, but are open and happy with individual relationships with her (me) as well as a group dynamic, as long as everyone is feeling good and consensual about it.  It may be used in the singular, or in the plural.  “Hey, look at this cute picture of my Narnias”, for example.

It’s intended to be tongue in cheek.

It does, however, give me great undercover names for them.  Mr. Narnia and Ms. Narnia.   I wish I could just call everyone by their real names.  I don’t, and can’t, for several reasons, but the biggest one for me, is that I need to be able to write unflattering things about people without outing them. When my blog was totally anonymous, I was able to do that.  Now that Special Man Friend, and CC, and Ms. A and a dozen other people read me, it becomes hard to not censor myself because I don’t want to hurt their feelings.  Or I don’t want to disregard their privacy, or share things that they are uncomfortable with people knowing.  As long as I can keep them mostly anonymous, I have more freedom to tell my stories.

On the other hand, if people close to me do read me, they recognize themselves and they recognize my others. I know some of my people have been hurt or uncomfortable because of the picture I paint here.  I know that I can never give a complete picture.  I can only focus on a few pale shades of what I see, of what I feel.

I like the Narnias.  I like them when we are all together and I like them when I am with each of them individually.  We’ve flirted and kissed and had a little bit of sexy making out. We’ve had some fun and interesting dates and I’m looking forward to more.  It’s been a little bit of a struggle lately to find face to face time, but it will happen.  Ms. Narnia has just had surgery on her knee, injured while doing arial yoga, so that hasn’t been fun.  I am feeling positive about seeing what happens next.

Day Three tomorrow!

It’s after midnight and I’m supposed to be asleep. Morning comes quickly, but the house is quiet and sleep seems a waste when there are so many other things I could be doing.

The kids and I are moving in a few weeks.  It was a surprise, but at the same time I knew it would come someday…my landlady is finished with medical school and is coming home to live in her house.  We’ve been here seven years already.  I am glad for the change, though I am also maxed out between work and packing and all the other things that are going on…really fun and exciting and good things.

When it’s quiet and dark like this, I feel as if everything is moving slower, and I have a chance to catch up with myself.  In the daylight, things move fast and sometimes I feel like I can’t keep up.  There’s always one more place to be, one more thing to do, and more than one thing to add to my running list of things that are yet to be done.

Still, during this middle of the night hour, things feel manageable.

And writing feel really good.

Now I can sleep.