Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory


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~Unclear~

This week is a cluster.

I have to remind myself to keep breathing.  Slowly; deeply.  I imagine the breath seeping all the way down to my toes, before lazily traveling back up through my body and then out into the universe.

Stress is challenging. I like to know things, plan things, control things.  The times I feel the most panic and unease, is when I simply can’t. 

I’m learning to sit with it.  Be uncomfortable.  Be okay with that.

This next weekend is Year Two of RelateCon.  My baby, my conference.  I’m excited, nervous, confident, optimistic, spread thin, happy.  I’m all the things.

I’ve been hesitant to sit down and really explore through writing where I am within my personal relationship philosophy, but it is coming.

First though, conference.

 


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~Daughter~

My youngest child, and only daughter, is twelve today.

She frustrates and confuses me sometimes.  She’s brilliant, opinionated, detail oriented, and a blatant perfectionist.  She wants things done right.  She cries when she is angry.

Then I have to remind myself.  She frustrates me, because she is like me. 

And I don’t know exactly how to help her be any other way,  because what I’m best at, and have the most practice at, is being an opinionated, blatant perfectionist.

Crap, I got that from my mother.

For real though, I am parenting her mindfully, and with awareness of the lessons I’ve learned and hopefully I’m teaching her at least some practical techniques for managing her anxious feelings and the frustrations that she feels from being who she is.  She is wonderful.

She just needs to learn how to control her power, like the unsuspecting superhero who stumbles onto a ferocious supernatural gift, which will either be used to destroy everything, or can be harnessed and used with intention to make the world a better place.

I’m rooting for my little superhero.


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~Trend~

When I used the word “polyamory” for the first time with my Dad, I told him, “It’s kind of a trendy thing right now.” He and his girlfriend looked at each other and laughed, and she said, “We definitely aren’t trendy.”

Unfortunately it’s become such a watered down term these days, inconsistent in it’s definition from person to person, that any time someone tells me they are polyamorous, I feel like I need the backstory.  “So”, I usually say,  pretty early on in the conversation, “what does that mean to you?”  I want to know what the reality of their polyamory looks like.  I want a quick down and dirty overview, especially if I’m having a conversation with someone interesting, or someone I’m attracted to, or considering dating.

I’ve been living life quietly lately.  I’m busy, I’m occupied, I’m involved in many things, except dating.  I got tired; I got burned out.  I wasn’t having fun any more.  So I stopped a couple of months ago.  It’s been nice and I needed the time but I’m ready to restart my Tinder account and to revisit my OkCupid profile.  I likely need a complete rewrite, but I think that will have to wait a few weeks ago.

I’m producing and directing RelateCon 2018 again, and an event of this depth is pretty time consuming and energy intensive.  I’m excited to see the bigger polyamory community come together in this environment.  I truly love conferences and community, and I’m excited to connect with old friends as well as meet tons of new people.  I’m gearing up to be “on” as Ginger all weekend, which is no easy feat for a self-proclaimed extrovert-leaning introvert.

But I’m excited.


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~The Angry Polyamorist~

I used to have big important things to write.  I had issues to explore.  I thought I could offer something new to the conversations surrounding hierarchy, metamours, conflict in polyamory, and the culture of poly.  I had things to say.

Then I got cynical. I got impatient with watching the constant stream of people doing bad poly.  Horrible poly. Wrong poly.

And don’t start sending me messages about how “Everyone’s poly is different, and that’s ok.”  As the polyamorous community has grown, the poly culture has developed this mantra that judgement is unacceptable, and that everyone gets to define their own poly and we all have to accept that, without question.

I don’t think so.  Even more than that, I don’t fucking think so.

I will judge your poly.  I judge every person who comes along, who I may be interested in.  I want to know what does your poly look like now?  What does your dream poly look like?  What do you really want from polyamory? 

Sometimes the answers give me pause.  No, thank you, I think.

Sometimes the answers make me want to scream.

N0, I do not want to be added, or integrated into YOUR relationship.   I do not want to fill in the cracks, settle in the spaces, be disposable.  I’m vital, I’m exquisitely myself, and either you want all of me, and all of my personhood, or you get nothing from me.

I don’t have time to educate the unicorn hunters.  I’m too tired these days.

 

 

 

 

 


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~Respite~

noun: respite
  1.  a short period of rest or relief from something difficult or unpleasant.
    *(Google Dictionary)

I needed rest.  Relief.  Things were difficult.  Things were unpleasant.

And suddenly, it’s a year and a half later.  I’m still me.  I’m still poly.  But I am solo, single, solitary.  I like to think I’m philosophically polyamorous, but I am restless, unpartnered, hesitant I have been content on my own for the last many months.

But.  I am lonely.

I’m disillusioned.  Maybe a little cynical.  I think that’s always been part of my personality, but it’s become exquisitely clear that I am shifting.

In the last year I explored casual relationships, I dated; I distracted myself with nonsense.  I worked, I worried, sometimes I wept.  I hibernated during the winter months, and now spring is here.

I’m back.