I used to have big important things to write. I had issues to explore. I thought I could offer something new to the conversations surrounding hierarchy, metamours, conflict in polyamory, and the culture of poly. I had things to say.
Then I got cynical. I got impatient with watching the constant stream of people doing bad poly. Horrible poly. Wrong poly.
And don’t start sending me messages about how “Everyone’s poly is different, and that’s ok.” As the polyamorous community has grown, the poly culture has developed this mantra that judgement is unacceptable, and that everyone gets to define their own poly and we all have to accept that, without question.
I don’t think so. Even more than that, I don’t fucking think so.
I will judge your poly. I judge every person who comes along, who I may be interested in. I want to know what does your poly look like now? What does your dream poly look like? What do you really want from polyamory?
Sometimes the answers give me pause. No, thank you, I think.
Sometimes the answers make me want to scream.
N0, I do not want to be added, or integrated into YOUR relationship. I do not want to fill in the cracks, settle in the spaces, be disposable. I’m vital, I’m exquisitely myself, and either you want all of me, and all of my personhood, or you get nothing from me.
I don’t have time to educate the unicorn hunters. I’m too tired these days.
Poly Nirvana 
Hey beauty – welcome back!!! What you call “judging” I would call “boundaries”, or “self-preservation”, or just plain good sense. It seems that for may people – what THEY call poly IS poly. So…me – who lives with both my husband (non-romantically) and my boyfriend (romantically) was told that I wasn’t “really poly” because I’m not fucking both of them. Oh….OK. Stay strong, take a vacation, get your groove back.
XOXOXOX
Clara
Truth! Yes, I think that the distinction between judging and boundaries is in checking whether your negative reaction applies to something that affects you, or something that doesn’t. Don’t lose too much energy getting angry at how other people do poly unless they are hurting you or hurting people you love. Also, I think that we poly-people have to take responsibility and pick the relationships that best nurture us. If we’re tired of being treated like second-class citizens and playthings by hierarchical couples, then don’t pursue relationships with people who are already coupled. There are some couples who know how to exercise non-hierarchical polyamory, but many more who don’t. We know that this isn’t a great setup for us. It seems like pursuing solo or RA poly folk is a better way to avoid the traps of hierarchy or sneakyarchy (hierarchy that slips in, even when the primary couple thinks they are avoiding it). If the goal is to find a future anchor or primary partner for oneself, then solo or RA isn’t the way to go, but date someone who is single or not anchor-partnered. Sometimes, it can seem like the only poly people we meet are by and large already in primary partnerships, especially since its an obvious “tell” of being polyamory if someone is meeting new people while already partnered. But, the single or solo or RA people are out there. Throw your intention toward them rather than trying to fit a square peg in a round hole with a couple or with a member of a couple.
Gosh, Clara, your poly sounds EXACTLY like poly to me… just saying. Happy to see you too! Your blog was one of my favorites back in the day! ❤
You are gonna instantly hate me based on the name of my blog (if you read the whole thing, you might get that it’s tongue in cheek) but I just wanted to say that I think what you are writing about here is a fair and Just reaction to being commodified for another’s use. Sometimes, anger is the healthy response to a messed up situation.