~Deal Or No Deal~

Benjamin had some sweet qualities.

There came a moment where I realized that he reminded me of my ex-husband.  My abusive, unstable, volatile, ex-husband. It was nothing obvious, or blatant, just a couple of comments that gave me pause.  A few days later, in response to hearing that I had bought myself a new adult toy for Christmas, a real splurge for me and one that I was excited about, Benjamin said I’m sorry I don’t do it for you, and over the next few days he went from subtle sulking to passive aggressive comments, and that was that.

I don’t have the time or energy for this.

I’m too valuable. Too valuable and precious, to myself.

The last few months have solidified my poly viewpoint.  Above all, I value connection that accepts me exactly as I am. Now.  And that’s what I want to reciprocate.  An unconditional acceptance of someone or someones for who they are at their core.  I value kindness.  I value self-awareness, and the ability and desire to communicate.

I value these things in friends, in lovers, in my relationships with my children.  I want to find every ounce of love and connection that I can.  I want honesty and authenticity.  I want to love real people, because I am a real person, a real and imperfect person who is trying her best to live a good life.

And I want to surround myself with people like that.  People who are trying their best.

That’s my poly.

I don’t know exactly what that will end up looking like.  But I do know what it feels like.