~Pace~

I want to write every day, but sometimes all I am thinking of is the laundry that needs to be done, and the children who need to be fed. I am wiped out from a busy weekend of much visiting and socializing, and that takes a lot out of a mostly introverted girl, who loves a taste of the extrovert, but finds it absolutely draining. I’m laying in bed, with the fan on in the background, and the clean laundry in the corner, unfolded; waiting. I suppose I could get up, work for an hour and then give myself permission to crawl back to bed with a snack and watch Netflix.

That sounds like a good plan.

This weekend was Meta’s birthday party. And it was enjoyable and pleasant. Watching Special Man fret and stress about the party and her gifts, and wanting so badly to see her happy and loved, was good for me. It is easy sometimes to exist in place where my relationship with him is as far as I see. I think that this is good and healthy, in that I understand that the relationship between myself and him, is different than the relationship that the two of them have together. But 90 percent of the time, I am one on one with SMF. I may go many weeks without seeing Meta, or I may see her on three consecutive days, like I did this week. The longer we go between interactions, the more unsettled I might feel, and the more uncomfortable I think SMF feels. His discomfort comes from not being quite sure how to be in the same space with his two significant relationships, and not worry that one of us is feeling like he’s ignoring us because he’s paying attention to the other one. I know that he loves Meta and they’ve been together a long time. I watch him orient himself around her, and sometimes as a result, I am all at once, in their space, but alone. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes we do it all wrong.

But this weekend was different. It was better. I have to think that the dynamic was easier because there were some old friends of theirs here for the weekend, and everything felt relaxed and easy. Those extra people broke up some of that “triangular tension” (I just made that term up by the way). It was such an eye opener for me. I saw a bigger picture, the one that I only fantasize about. I caught a glimpse of perfect poly.

Just a glimpse, mind you.

There’s no such thing as perfect poly. Just imperfect people doing the best they can. I saw people doing their best this weekend. And it made me feel satisfied and validated that I am on the right track, for me.

Hope your weekend was good as well, friends.