~Forty-Four~

I’m a child of the sixties.

Alright, I was born two and a half months before 1970 arrived, but still, I hold that 1969 birth year to me like a big fat badge of honor. (It’s actually more of a “Participant” ribbon. Remember those?)

Today is my birthday. Forty-four. This is a hard one, for some reason. I’ve always looked younger than I was, and it was always fun to have someone marvel at my age, and say things like You don’t look old enough to have children that age! I didn’t realize how validating that was, until people stopped saying those things.

I have started to catch up with myself. And it’s bizarre and surreal to feel so much like the girl I was in my twenties, and look in the mirror and see a forty-something face, with my eyes and my freckles looking back at me. Yeah, yeah, circle of life and all that, but how did this happen? And how does time continue to pass, faster and faster? I look at my children, and I see how quickly they are growing, and I want to press the rewind button, and do it all again, but perfectly.

My Dad used the phrase “failed perfectionist” with me once, and I have always remembered the insight I gained from this concept. I’m trying not to let my fear of doing things imperfectly stop me from attempting; from living. I think sometimes I look at a task, a situation, a challenge, and I know I’ll never be able to do it well enough. It will never be perfect, so I just don’t even try.

Being a wise old woman now, I see how self defeating this is.

There may be a mid-life crisis on my horizon. Though, from my perspective, the past three years has been some sort of mid-life “shift”, and I’ve been very aware of the fact that I’m choosing a different life path than I had expected even ten years ago. So maybe I’ll just leave it at that. (This week I looked at this little red Hot Wheels looking car that I’m currently driving, and I thought, Well there’s a cliche for you.)

Special Man is coming over later after work, and we will have two nights in a row together, which is a rare treat. Tonight we are going out to dinner with my kids, and those are the only concrete plans we have so far. I’d like to take a drive in the mountains tomorrow. Fall is my favorite season and the trees should be beautiful right now.

Happy Birthday to me.