Poly Nirvana

Love, Life and Rational Polyamory

~Guilt~

7 Comments

Writing therapy may now commence.

Guilt has always puzzled me.

I mean, I understand it, in context of my conscience keeping check on my morals. Lying, cheating, stealing, or maliciously hurting another human being, would all be appropriate triggers for guilt.

So why then, do some of us feel guilty for being happy? What the hell is that all about? Am I so cynical, that I believe that my happiness will always come at the expense of another? Or have I simply bought into the statement I am often telling my children, that “someone always, always has it worse than you do…”?

Today I’m a little sad and frustrated. I’m also feeling guilty. Guilty that I’m not able to do everything my kids want or need me to do. Guilty that I’m tucked into bed on a snowy Saturday morning, listening to music and being cozy, when I should be cleaning house. Or baking Christmas cookies. Or any one of the other hundreds of productive things that are always hanging over me. Most days I’m content to know that as a single mother, my kids have a place to live, plenty of video games, and they shower when they should. Yes, sometimes they eat cold cereal for dinner, but they don’t ever have to go to bed hungry.

But today I feel small and inadequate.

I try to be mindful and present in my relationship with Special Man, but I can’t help but feel sometimes, like my happiness is at the expense of another. If he’s with me, he’s NOT with her. Am I taking that away from her? I want to be happy wearing the necklace he gave me for my birthday, but then I am self-conscious that it will make her feel bad. I feel guilty for my happiness.

And I hate that.

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7 thoughts on “~Guilt~

  1. Depression has such a unique way of manifesting itself in my opinion. It can literally rain on your parade and push you back indoors, it can make your self time and introspection feel guilty like you are doing something outside of the norm. As much as I don’t like people telling me that this is normal, I can say that I have had this exact feeling. A ton of would be projects that I could call beneficial and just no energy or drive to do so…
    Talk to someone, even if it is someone who doesn’t understand and never will. Be the vulnerable that you are afraid to be. Just once.

  2. Surprise Ginger!. you, have a conscience….:) And guess what? That’s a good thing. Yes, I often HATE that needling little Jiminy Cricket that likes to wack me in the head with his little umbrella every now and then and roll his eyes at my arguments that seem so beneath him to jutisfy why I do things for MYSELF.

    Some people are built the other way …. it’s always ME ME ME ME ME…and damn everyone else. Those people are TAKERS. You my dear are not a taker…you simple are a good person with a conscious who cares about others feelings, your own shortcomings, and everything else.

    And Yep, caring sucks….you could make yourself blissfully ignorant and apathetic to others but I’m thinking you wouldn’t like that version of yourself very much.

    I like this current version of you…:) It’s what make me follow you, it’s what makes find you interesting. It makes me care. No No I’m caring…:)

    You’ll be fine….so kick your feet up…have a nice cup of cocoa and enjoy the day/night…you deserve it…TAKE a little of that thing called YOUR life and be quiet in the moment and simply enjoy it. Take care dear.

  3. As the “wifey” in my poly relationship (and yes, different than your set up) I go through the same questions. Am I the one being selfish? Are we giving her what she needs? And on the dark jealousy side, is she wanting him more than me? I believe these questions of ourselves are good things. Keeps us in check, it shows that we have compassion for the people in our lives and those we don’t know. We are humans with humanity. The only thing I can do when I’m feeling that was is communicate. Making sure we are all on the same page. Good luck with everything. You have support here.

  4. We can’t help it. It’s hard to feel happy when others are not. Being human, right?

  5. Pingback: Guilt, motivation and everything in between | remembertopause

  6. I hear ya! Loud and clear. Guilt seems to be my go-to emotion for everything. I have no idea why :/ I need to figure this out and put a stop to it! Thanks for sharing your thoughts 🙂

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