I’ve reread last nights post. Several times. It’s probably the only time I’ve written in the heat of the moment like that. It was reactionary, and emotional. I thought about deleting it, especially as I’m still all worked up and wacky over it.
But I can’t delete it. Because it’s a real thing that happens to this real person trying to be all self-aware and mindful and crap, and sometimes I get blindsided. Sometimes it’s an epic fail. Sometimes I handle things completely wrong. Sometimes I lose it. And this, this imperfect poly is the whole reason I started writing. So it stays.
Relationships can be tough. Not just poly relationships. All of them. Familes, friends, lovers, partners. Polyamory doesn’t make me special, or my relationships easier, no matter how many articles and books and blogs I read. They are just hard sometimes. And sometimes, the harder I try to control and manage things, the faster things fall apart. This is part of my personality, this wanting to be able to manage things. I must manage ALL THE THINGS.
So now I have this icky feeling that I’m difficult and needy and that now Special Man Friend (and everyone else) knows.
Someone give me some chocolate.
I texted with CC this morning for a few minutes, and she said all the right things, but think I may have overwhelmed her with my “I’m so needy, I don’t know how to do this, I need a pep talk” texts.
“It gets better,” she texted. “You get to be needy sometimes, too.”
I’m really glad she’s my friend.