I’ve reread last nights post. Several times. It’s probably the only time I’ve written in the heat of the moment like that. It was reactionary, and emotional. I thought about deleting it, especially as I’m still all worked up and wacky over it.
But I can’t delete it. Because it’s a real thing that happens to this real person trying to be all self-aware and mindful and crap, and sometimes I get blindsided. Sometimes it’s an epic fail. Sometimes I handle things completely wrong. Sometimes I lose it. And this, this imperfect poly is the whole reason I started writing. So it stays.
Relationships can be tough. Not just poly relationships. All of them. Familes, friends, lovers, partners. Polyamory doesn’t make me special, or my relationships easier, no matter how many articles and books and blogs I read. They are just hard sometimes. And sometimes, the harder I try to control and manage things, the faster things fall apart. This is part of my personality, this wanting to be able to manage things. I must manage ALL THE THINGS.
So now I have this icky feeling that I’m difficult and needy and that now Special Man Friend (and everyone else) knows.
Someone give me some chocolate.
I texted with CC this morning for a few minutes, and she said all the right things, but think I may have overwhelmed her with my “I’m so needy, I don’t know how to do this, I need a pep talk” texts.
“It gets better,” she texted. “You get to be needy sometimes, too.”
I’m really glad she’s my friend.
2 thoughts on “~Tuesday~”
“it’s a real thing that happens to this real person..” THANK YOU. God. I hate how alone I feel being wrong sometimes. And I like examples of how to own it and grow.
I hate the fallout from this kind of emotion.. the feeling that I’m difficult and needy and “too much”. Fuck.
And thank god for good metamours. Right? Funny. Sometimes I get exactly what I need from my relationships.. just sometimes from the relationships I didn’t expect it from. Quinky Girl is honestly one of the loves of my life. Thank god for CC. Thank God for Quinky Girl. Thank God for our little found families of lovers and friends. *Hug*.
Yeah. You’re imperfect, just like the rest of us.
You know what’s funny…. My very first post here, was titled Perfect Poly, and it was an tongue in cheek, title for a writing about imperfection in poly, and how OKAY and GOOD it is to love imperfectly. And still, I still get caught up in the right-ness and wrong-ness of it all.
The feeling of being needy is the worst. I wonder why that is…Why is it BAD to need? I’m still trying to figure that one out.